When You Died
by RXP
Summary: Spike has some incoherent thoughts after Buffys death.


TITLE: WHEN YOU DIED  
AUTHOR: RXP  
EMAIL: rxp_on_line@yahoo.com  
KEYWORDS: Spike POV, angst   
SPOILERS: Everything up to and including "The Gift"  
RATING: G.  
SUMMARY: A few weeks after the tragic events of "The Gift", Spike has  
some incoherent thoughts after Buffys death.  
NOTE: This is my first Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction AND my  
first attempt on writing angst. Please be gentle.  
DISCLAIMER: The copyrights to BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER names,  
characters and other related indicia belongs to: Joss Whedon, Mutant  
Enemy, WB, UPN and Fox. Use of "Buffy" names and characters is for  
non-commercial entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement  
is intended. All Rights Reserved.  
* * * * * *   
I hate to admit it, but Dru was right you know. Even the very first  
time I set my eyes on you, I just knew you were going to be special.  
My special Slayer. Did you even notice the way I studied you that  
night long ago at the Bronze while you danced with your friends? I  
bloody devoured you with my eyes, with my mind, memorizing your every  
move. That's when my obsession with you started, you know. Never  
dreamed that it would lead me to this.... agony. And to think about  
all the times I tried to kill you in the past... Sometimes I wish that  
I had succeeded back then. Then, I wouldn't feel the pain I feel now.  
  
Every night, every day I think about that dreadful night six weeks  
ago. Re-thinking the options we had against Glory. If there was any  
decision we could have made different. But the only real options we  
had was either to stop the ritual from taking place, or stop the flow  
of blood one begun, to kill off Dawn. But you wouldn't hear of it. You  
couldn't bring yourself to kill your sister; your own blood.  
  
Dawn talks to me about the last moments you two shared. About how it  
all made sense to you. How death was your gift. How your death would  
be your sisters salvation, enabling her to live; how it would enable  
the rest of the bloody world to continue. And how it would bring you  
to your own end. How it would ultimately relieve you of your unwanted  
Slayer burden. She told me of the resolve that was on your face, about  
what you said to her before you jumped. You came to terms with your  
existence, with your destiny, at that moment. But did you even stop  
and think that your gift brought another "gift" along with it? That  
that other gift was pain and agony? Have you ever thought how much  
your death would affect us all? How it would change us? But in the end  
that pain brought the rest of us together. I came to an understanding  
with the Scoobs and with Giles. They may not be my friends, but they  
accept me for what I am and what I have become. Funny, that. So in the  
end death was, indeed, your gift.  
  
Do you remember the look of peace I once told you about, you know, the  
look a Slayer has when she knows she's about to die. You had it too.  
Peaceful. You looked so peaceful. You looked just like if you were  
sleeping. You know, that moment when the dreaming ends, right before  
awakening? You had it. Oh God, the pain I felt when I realised you  
weren't sleeping, and that waking up wasn't going to happen. I don't  
believe that I have ever felt that much pain before in my entire  
un-life. All I could do was just... sit there, crying my un-beating  
heart out. Crying for all the missed opportunities. For the lost time.  
For the unspoken words. For the deeds undone. The agony and regret  
inside me made me want to have made that jump - again - instead of  
you. I would you know. For you. To let you live.  
  
Since that day I have each morning been thinking about taking my life.  
To release me from my pain. I think about what might be best. Should I  
stake myself or should I expose my sorry ass to the sun? I want to,  
but I can't. I gave you a promise, you see. To take care of Dawn for  
you, to protect her. How could I do that if I dusted myself? I always  
keep my promises.  
  
And Dawn. That poor kid. First she loses her mother and then her  
sister. She's all alone now. I try to be strong for her, be brave for  
her, like you said. But it is so hard when the sense of direction is  
lost. That's what you became for me, after I got this damn chip in my  
head. I try to be there for her as much as I can. I even left my crypt  
to move into your house with her, along with Tara and Willow. To  
protect her. Support her. Can you imagine that? Me, the Big Bad  
Monster, being the shoulder a heartbroken teenager cries on to? Quite  
the pair. But then there is also Giles and Xander. They really do  
their best. They try to put their own pain aside, and be there for  
her. But they don't connect with her like they used to. What do they  
know of the pain a 14 year old girl feels? Then there is Tara and  
Willow. They care about Dawn too. Tara is the strong one. Tara is  
really supportive to Dawn, and to Willow too. Willow... Now there's a  
story... Didn't quite turn out to be as strong as you thought. She's  
falling to pieces. She can't move on. Like me.  
  
THE END 


End file.
